This is Love?

I love watching fairy tale romances such as Disney’s Cinderella or Snow White. The innocence of the first love of these young girls finding their Prince Charmings has really been what most young children see as the future for dating and possibly marriage. Of course, it is supposed to be a story that makes one feel good; sappy and sweet. Something that we all aspire to achieve as an accomplishment.

Now no laughing or gritting your teeth if that hasn’t been exactly the happy ending you experienced! I like to think that more people can identify with a Shrek-type story! An Ogre that is minding his own business swept up on a quest that finds the “right” girl in the end. It was still superficial in many ways but the beauty wasn’t the outside appearance but who was inside that mattered and what each was seeking.

Everything comes down to love? Can love matter so much? A good 80% of fiction books, music, and movies are about love or romance.

Fact: Cuddling, hugging, and kissing someone you love can instantly reduce stress, increase feelings of calm, trust, and security thanks to oxytocin, (considered the “love or cuddle hormone” that makes one feel tranquil and loving) while improving mood as a result of flooding our center with dopamine (a neurotransmitter that plays a role in pleasure, motivation, and mood).

As people we thrive on connection and interaction everyday. Thus the reason that people are looking for love. That isn’t the only reason. Verbally, mentally, and physically being connected can energize, and motivate.

For the most part what most people want is the following scenario: Two people meet, they fall in love, get married, have kids, and then life begins. True! Life becomes a lot more interesting when children come on board. It is love unconditionally. Putting time, effort, and money into the family can be a big yes.

All week is spent working, driving back and forth from the job, picking up the kids from school, sports and activities practices, homework, school functions, etc. Weekend rolls around and it is the kids’ sports to attend, neighborhood parties, vacations. So much to do in a week. The years go fly by.

The best days that feel like forever are gone in a blink of an eye. Where did the time go? How do couples lose the spark? How can something said so innocently turn into an argument or better yet an ending of a relationship? Where is the love?

Life gets in the way. We wouldn’t trade any of the fun times for the world. Yet the divorce rate gets higher by the time high school rolls around. Of course, the answer is money! It is also time to really communicate, be together as a couple, who does the majority of the work at home or raising the kids, etc. It is real for some; an excuse for others to move on to someone else.

Dopamine gets replaced with cortisol (the stress hormone). It becomes “too much” to talk about the problems: hidden (or right out in the open) alcohol/drug use, outright abusive action (mostly verbal but some experience physical. And it isn’t always the women that get abused), infidelity, and money. There is never enough time between work, kids, and family that have shattered the one thing that mattered most: love!

It is broken at its very core. The same person we would have walked in front of a bus to save, we gladly throw them under that same bus because of built up resentment regardless of their feelings and actions. Self righteous and justified. Those that refuse (because of course, it their spouses fault) to go to therapy have already made the decision to get out. Who knows? For many it became a toxic, negative, and bitter exchange that everyone in the house (drama) could feel daily. No going back! For what? The happy memories are minute compared to the accusations, passive aggressive actions, and victimization that ensues.

Then what is love?

If love is to be in our lives then we must also put forth effort, energy, and awareness. For without those, there is no “us” as a couple.

The fairy tale ending that was envisioned from long ago doesn’t seem to fit the mold of today. But it does have something that we all need in our lives: connection with purpose. Intimate relationships that are thoughtful, respectful, and loving can keep a measure of happy ever after in marriage and partnership. This is LOVE. When we are seen, heard, cherished, respected in all areas of our lives, we in turn pass that on to those around all of us. A mission that all of us can embrace!